Sunday, September 6, 2015

Trucking along...

I'm trucking along.

I had high hopes for my motivation after I posted my "why" poster. I believe in all of those things. Since I posted in July I have had to deal with a lot of stress. Job uncertainty is a huge one. I do love my job but the State of Illinois has not had a budget since July 1st. That means they are not paying their bills or fulfilling contracts.  Therapy providers are leaving because they are owed thousands upon thousands of dollars from the state. You can't blame them. Would you work for free for months on end?  Coordinators are in fear of losing their jobs and what they love. All while politicians are butting heads and one man wants to destroy our program to raise the limit of eligibility  in order to be able to cut the program. That's all I'm going to say about this because it would not be pretty. I see the stress and anxiety at work then I come home and see it on my Facebook personal page with friends. A million years ago stress would cause me to lose weight but now it hangs on for dear life because it must be very comfortable on my ass. :)

I also started my masters program for social work. I am crazy but I need to get this done now or I'll never do it. Sigh.

I finally (after asking for 2 months!)  have my new Zumba discs on our server so I can do the Zumba program in my living room on my big tv. We no longer have a dvd player just the Apple TV that we upload all of our dvd's and video's to.

Some things that have happened ....

He's lost 55 lbs this year!! All through walking and cutting back on calories. He has a new job that I am so proud of him for having but he now travels :( but it's very stressful for all of us at home but we are trying to make this work. On his weight loss and my weight gain, the only issue we have is when the 9 yr old asks me "Mommy why aren't you at your goal?" hahano.

Little one has done amazing on some outings and on other outings we just spread Autism awareness all over the place. The little Cosley zoo in Wheaton was her best outing this year.

An outing to Blackberry Farms was not our best but we made it through the day and spread Autism awareness to lots of families. So that's that. lol. The two pics were probably the only time she wasn't screaming about something. The train made her happy!

Somehow this pic of my first 5k popped up on my Timehop a few weeks ago. Cotton t-shirt? check. Visor? check. Kinda of funny pic to me.

The oldest turned 9 years old!! I can't believe it. At times when i look at her I see such a big girl and other times she's still such a baby to me.

Our first day of 4th grade was a success!

For Avery's first official visit to the dentist a few years ago it was not great  but since then she's improved on her ability to wait. Somewhat. We had a very early dentist appt again and even though there was still a crowd at the dentist the office knows Avery well enough that she waited a minute or so and then they took her to the back and we were in and out of the dentist in like 20 mins. No cavities and she did awesome!

She didn't start school until about a week after her sister. By that time when the bus driver came by two days before the first day to do their dry run I gave the guy who I never met before a big hug! He laughed and said "oh my! You must be ready!" lol. 

Also she got a hair cut. :( I didn't want to but now that we've cut it she's more inclined to actually brush it herself so that's promising! 

 The big girl "bridged" up to the next level in Girl Scouts to now a junior. She was a bit confused about the process thinking she wouldn't see any of her little brownie friends but she now understands she will still see them but just do some different things.

So we are our worst enemies. I love this pic of the three of us. I don't love the way I look. So that bothers me but it doesn't bother me enough to not share the pic. That's progress. Working on the way I see myself and how I can work towards my goals.

You are going through this post and are like "what no Toby Keith concert pics yet?" ha! I know you are not but have no fear we did see Toby this year! It just happened to be very late in the summer for him this year to come to Chicago. I am a member of the fan club and was invited to a special taping of PBS Soundstage in Chicago. I snuck this pic...

That's all I got and I might get in trouble with posting that but we'll see. About 250 people maybe saw him in this studio at Wttw and it was really cool. No alcohol was allowed so when Toby asked us what we were drinking and people shouted out pepsi or water he looked rather confused and said "You must be the most sober crowd I have ever played for!" umm yup. I still had fun. I was on the floor and had a great view. My only complaint is the wet noodles in the audience. Some of the seating was reserved and they placed you where they wanted the most colorful, young and least dressed people. Some people looked like they had never heard his music before and they were on the main floor. They just stood there. So if you see this in a few months and see this group you can tell we are not the wet noodles...

The next night was his official Chicago show. Again Speedy and I attended and it was great. I got my tickets through the fan club presale. I made a mistake of buying the tickets while I was at school and not on my home computer because the seating chart came up weird and I ended up resorting to getting pit tickets next to the stage. umm never again. I hated it. I was claustrophobic and I didn't feel I could really enjoy myself packed like a sardine next to insanely drunk people who must have iron bladders because my ass could not do that. I had to stop drinking in order not to have to go and lose my spot! It was also hot. HOT. I felt like I could pass out at anytime. But it was fun. The last 2 songs he does of American Soldier and Courtesy of the Red White and Blue were so awesome to see him bring the military on stage again and to be that close to it all.

I was shoving nachos in my mouth in this pic that's why I look weird. People watching did NOT disappoint. One thing we saw that shocked us was the people with babies at the show. WTF. Babies do not belong at a Toby Keith concert. End of story. Don't have a sitter sell your tickets. Their little ears can not handle it and I did not see a single pair of ear muffs on any kid at this show. < end rant >

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Baby Steps

In the past week I’ve done a few baby steps into getting back into a ‘program’.  I am trying to take small baby steps as to not go “all in” or to be inflexible.  I don’t want to be too rigid, but I also don’t want to be to loosely goosey with getting back into a program.

Vision boarding. We had homework at Weight Watchers last week or so and this is what I came up with. It wasn’t hard thanks to Pinterest. I’ve been wanting to do one for awhile but this was the push to finally do it.

So the front of mine looks like this:

The back of it looks like this:

Reading for myself. This is the hardest thing. Finding the time to read without falling asleep in bed while trying to read. Almost anything really.  I have found the book The Beck Diet Solution: Train your brain to think like a thin person by Judith Beck Ph. D very helpful. With using cognitive behavioral therapy it's making sense to me. I've been a very emotional/stressful eater who has become overrun with guilt for eating certain foods and I was not in a good place. 

This week I’ve  been waking up early to work out. Again it’s hard but my alarm says #44before44 and that helps.  Also helps that the gym again is not crazy busy at 4 am. 

I had to double up today because I will only be able to get to the gym on Monday because of my husbands work schedule. grr. I have a plan for when he's gone. Back to P90X in the living room. 

Tracking my food. I am trying to be determined to not over eat. I am trying to not eat my feelings or stress.  Trying to make better choices. I passed up Reese’s peanut butter cup Oreo’s at the store the other day. My office mates have a chocolate candy bowl and I have not taken from it all week. That seriously is a huge thing for me. Chocolate.  Chocolate.  Chocolate.  Peanut butter cups  or Peppermint patties. My weakness but I have survived this week.  

So it was worth it then when I hit the scale on Saturday. 

There is my weight in black and white for all to see. It is embarrassing but I am being honest. I was back to my starting weight in the last few weeks at WW.   Having a nice loss on Saturday was nice. I don't know about others but the last few weeks at my WW location has been crazy busy, worse than January meetings. It's like everyone realized they didn't lose the weight they wanted to for the summer. LOL. I feel ya people! I'm right there with you!! 

Another reminder to put myself first. 

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Hello blogosphere!!!

It's been awhile. In fact is been almost a year since I last posted. If you recall I went back to school to finish my Bachelor's in Social Work. While I didn't write any posts in the past year I did think about it very often. I did continue to read other blogs and comment when I could.

So things that happened in the last 11 months..

A successful visit to Santa! 

Christmas was great, the kids and I had our winter break. 
I was bound and determined to make sure the little one finally potty trained!

 A little bit of stubbornness and she did it!! We finally had a little one who was potty trained. If you are new here it's because kids with Autism don't always want/realize they need to go.  Her Autism is still there, working with supplements and her diet and things have greatly improved. Her ability to focus and be able to transition from one thing to another is getting much better. She even doesn't need a communication device anymore.

I conquered the Smith machine at the gym. I actually conquered the gym for a long time. In the fall I  would get up super early (3:30 am) to get to the gym by 4am. I had an easy semester though. I was in the zone work out wise. Food wise, I was trying to still figure it out. Was I eating enough or to much? My weight was not moving at all. My body was changing though. I had started to run again along with lifting weights. In January I took a tumble at a birthday part and bruised my knee. I can tell you that if I touch it with to much pressure now in June that it still feels very sensitive. It was probably something I should have gone to the Dr for. I haven't tried to run again since then. 

I made it 17 weeks until I broke my streak of weeks going to the gym. 

The morning this blizzard started I did make it to the gym. The clerk at the desk asked me if I was dedicated. umm I guess. Go me. Then life got busy.  My husband decided he wanted to either go to the gym in the am or wake up super early and use the treadmill. If he went to the gym then I couldn't go. I released my schedule I had gotten myself into for him to be able to get back in the gym. And he never made it to the gym. He just stuck to the treadmill at home. I then fell out of the routine, and into school work. 

Girl Scout cookies had to be sold. Outside. In the freaking winter. I hope troops in other states that can sell cookies out in nice weather appreciate what the midwest girls do to sell cookies!!! Froze my cookies off a couple of weekends. 

My spring semester was the toughest. I didn't have many classes but I had one class I had to pass no matter what to graduate. That was Research for Social Workers. A paper or project every week. I was also taking two classes online for the masters program. The hard work I had done in the fall proved itself in the spring when I was inducted into the Phi Alpha Honor Society for Social Work along with some other friends of mine. 

My husband and daughter went to a Girl Scout daddy daughter dance with the theme of superhero's and he had to outdo everyone else there. She was one very excited little girl with her Dada. 

I turned another year older. The day of my birthday though I had a job interview! It was an official interview for a service coordinator position where I did my internship.  I am now a service coordinator for the Early Intervention program in the state of Illinois. The program is for developmentally delayed children ages from birth to 3. Both of my girls were in the program so it was very natural for me. So if there is no budget come Wednesday I will be furloughed. Work a month, take a break. Sounds fair right? Awesome.

Avery turned 7! She loves Monster High and was ridiculously excited for a doll for her birthday. 

Paige made it through 3rd grade!! Can't believe she will be in 4th grade next year!! Doesn't seem right!!

She's such a big girl now. No trips to see her cousins this year but she'll be busy at a day camp all summer. 

Graduation day was probably the best day in forever!! After my name was called and I walked across the stage it was momentarily quiet and Paige screamed from the bleachers, "Good job Momma!!" A collective "aww" went through the gym and the president of the university awed as he handed me my diploma. best.moment.ever!!

Little one's little so bored and tired. lol. They did so well all day though. So well behaved. 

This kiddo. She rocked graduation. I had a friend watch her in the over flow auditorium. She gave her a run for her money at first but she eventually calmed down and realized she was there for a good time.  She transitioned from place to place with ease, she waited patiently and she ate out at a restaurant without screaming. Overall it was an awesome day.

I was doing well staying steady with my weight until May. Then life kinda of exploded with finals, graduation, job among other things. I have regained all of the weight I had lost. I can't say it's hard to face that information. On Saturday I faced my starting weight at Weight Watchers. That was harsh.  I face it every time I get dressed or try on clothes. I face it when I get winded going up stairs or going for a walk. I face it when I know my husband has lost 50 lbs. this year (through walking on the treadmill and eating the same thing over and over again) and I have gone in the complete opposite direction.  I face it when my daughter says, "daddy's at his goal, why aren't you?" That's kinda of depressing. 

I started to read some books on emotional eating and how to hopefully rewire my brain about how and why I eat.  I hope want to start blogging more especially with extended journey to losing weight again. I hope want to see #44before44 mean something besides a hashtag. I hope want to lose 44lbs before I turn 44 next year!!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

When it's to much

By now I think most people with a tv or computer have heard that the great Robin Williams has passed away. Suicide is suspected. It comes as a shock to most people that a man who on the outside gave so much to others to make them happy was suffering so much on the inside that suicide was his answer.

The thing about depression is that like autism it is a spectrum.  Some people can suffer from the blues, while others suffer from a debilitating breakdown that makes living a day to day existence hard. Some can recover with therapy while others need medication and continued therapy to exist.

Our society though has made depression or taking medication something to be ashamed of and to be kept secret. How isolating it is to be told that it's not ok to be sad. You have everything, money, fame security and adoration but it's not ok to be sad or have bad thoughts. That if you are sad about your life or situation that you are ungrateful or bitter. How does that help a person?

Most people who struggle with depression feel alone. The fact is that they are not alone.

Post by NAMI.

Seeking help for depression or any other mental illness is not a weakness. It's actually a sign of strength. Taking medication is a courageous step to take when it comes to taking care of yourself. It might take awhile to find the right medication to help you. It might also take awhile to find the right therapist who you feel like you connect with.

Why is a blogger who talks about running, life with Autism, losing weight talking about depression? For full disclosure I have suffered on and off for the last 15 years or so.  I've gone through periods where everything was good, then through periods where I was just not happy.

One day I was done. I didn't know what else to do. I just no longer saw joy in anything. I was just going through the motions of my day to day existence. I got out of bed, took care of my kids and repeat day in day out.  I knew I had to take control somehow. Today I am making progress and have a plan for myself.  What I want to reiterate to you the reader is that you are not alone. If you feel this way the fact is that someone else feels the same way as you do.

If you or someone you know might be a danger to themselves,
 please call the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

August Update

I keep thinking I should write.


The last time I blogged was in May. This is the longest I've gone without giving an update of some sorts.

So here's an update:

School: I busted my butt at a summer Biology class. For 6 weeks, 4 days a week for 3 hours a day I learned about the human body. I even got to hang out with a human cadaver. It smelled. It was a relatively new cadaver as the school received it in the spring. Only one other girl and me showed up for the study session with the professor so we got a front row view of the cadaver. Passed with an awesome grade. Looking forward to the fall semester with my internship. Only 284 days until I graduate!

Anybody want to guess what part of the foot I got wrong during a bone test? Yes. I got a bone wrong in the foot (very classic of me to do actually, hahano.) Not the metatarsal that's for sure.

Kids: My oldest spent 3 weeks in Georgia with my sister and her cousins. The first day went great, second day she wanted to come home. The first week was rough but she bucked up and made it through the whole 3 weeks with some tears but with some more independence. Skype worked every night. Sometimes multiple times a day...

The first and last day of 2nd grade.

The youngest turned 6 at the end of May. As usual every progression equals some type of regression and vice versa. We had a few months of an increase in aggressive behavior, then followed by a trip to the gut doctor for treatment of a yeast overgrowth and she calmed down again. Still not potty trained (if this your first visit here she has Autism so don't go all child protective services on my ass please) but is progressing finally in that area. She has new words, sentences, sayings finally. She doesn't use her communication device much anymore. Her receptive language is scored at the level for a normal 6 year old. Which is completely awesome.


He looks excited, no? This was taken on the last day of my husbands old job. Gone is the 1 hour + commute in good weather. Gone is the not awesome pay and benefits.  To come was a 16 minute door to door commute. He doesn't even have time to finish his coffee because he works so close to home! New job has better pay, benefits and a better discount for stuff I care about (makeup and stuff!!)

Me:  Besides school this summer, I've been to a few concerts.

This was the Sammy Hagar show in Joliet. FYI- Nothing good comes out of a mango-rita in a can. NOTHING.

Then of course the summer ritual of Toby Keith. Which this was a really good show this year because he played a bunch of stuff from the mid 90's. Of course it was me and Speedy on our annual adventure. This year we actually got to do a meet and greet with his daughter Krystal Keith who opened up for him.

Weight Watchers: Eh. Honestly if I wasn't tracking my food I would probably be huge. I can't honestly say it's the right thing for me anymore. I have not felt right about it since I returned 2 + years ago and it switched to points+. I don't know why but the scale doesn't move for me anymore. I have a good group of friends from WW. So sometimes I feel like this is a social group for me on Saturday mornings. Which sometimes just getting out of the house and meeting up with others who are struggling with their eating and weight makes me feel like I am not alone. BUT I feel stuck. Not just stuck stuck but more like halted/grounded.  Which this might have something to do with my anti depression medicine. 

My doctor had upped my depression med at the end of spring. We talked about it yesterday and it just doesn't seem like the right concoction for me. So I am weaning off and starting another one. Hopefully this won't make me feel so even keeled and actually allow me to start having feelings again.

Running: So if you add in the Weight Watchers, school, husband new job, life with kids and the depression I have had no desire to run. At all.  Chicago?  yeah no. For two reasons. 1) I'm drained right now and can't find it in me to push forward with another thing on my plate and 2) which is the most important part of this and that's the aching pain I have in my right foot. Right along my metatarsals. A sharp, radiating pain. The thing is that there is no moment I can pin point it to be from. On occasion I get little bruises on the top of my left foot where I injured my metatarsal a few years back. Needless to say both of  my feet are jacked up and I don't know why.

Why haven't I made an appt with the ortho doctor yet? I am being a big baby and putting it off because I just don't want to hear, "you are done running" or "why are you still thinking of running?". blech.

So that's the update. It's not fantabulous but I'm pretty focused right now on school for myself and being done soon!