I should have gone to a meeting

** I am not sure if this might be a trigger for some people with food issues. My apologizes if it does. **

They tell us at Weight Watchers that we can go to as many meetings in a week as we like. We just only have to weigh in at one. If we needed the support of a group in order to basically regroup that we really should do that.  I realized today after 2 days of crap eating that I should have just done that. I didn't realize the stress that started on Sunday would end up sending me into a bad food spiral for 2 days.

On Sunday something changed with Avery. She woke up angry. Mad, pissed off at the world. She was in a foul mood all day Sunday. Monday came and it wasn't that much better but she was at school for part of the day.  After the kids were off to school I had to run to another town to take a pee test for a job. So when I stopped at McDonalds to get something to drink (to make sure I could go!) I was happy with the fact that while I ordered a McGriddle I immediately told them to take it off. I thought oh that's great I'm at least trying to keep my shit together.

But the wheels on my bus were about to come off. On Tuesday she woke up very, very early in an even bigger foul mood and fought me for 10 minutes while I tried to get her dressed for the bus.  Again after I got them off to school I had to run to the store because we were out of certain things. I then did indulge in a food comfort fix. I knew it was wrong. I just wanted the fix. I just wanted to feel like I had control over something.  I ate my crackers and dip and watched my favorite movie Auntie Mame until she came home.

The rest of the day after her coming home from school had me dealing with more pulling my hair and kicking me because I either didn't know what she wanted OR she couldn't understand she was out of something.  In the afternoon she had gotten a hold of her sisters chocolate milk that she didn't drink and she spread it all over my wood coffee table like it was no big deal.

At this point I had had enough. I fed them dinner and sat in the kitchen and put my head down on the table.  It was then when I realized why I derailed so fast on Tuesday. Since I've had a cold I've been taking some type of cold medicine nonstop since Friday. On Sunday and Monday night in a moment of "hmm I don't want to OD accidentally" I decided not to take my over the counter anti anxiety herbal medicine that I take nightly called Valerian Root. I ended up being on edge, teary eyed and just a bad basket case on Tuesday eating everything in sight because of that. I was well enough last night to not have to take a cold medicine and I went back to my Valerian root. I felt better today in that aspect.

Today well I wish I could say it got better. It exploded this morning instead. She again was upset. She couldn't have another yogurt because we ran out of time and having already had 2 yogurts and having a 3rd would just cause major issues for her.  She lashed out by throwing a full sippy cup at her sister. Resulting in her cutting her sisters face and bruising her. :(  Her sister in all her wonderful 6 year old self just kept saying in between tears, "I wish she didn't throw the cup". Not I hate her or anything like that. Just "I wish she didn't throw the cup." I felt like I failed her again by not protecting her and failed her sister by not being able to help her. Feeling like a failure at parenting only makes me want to do two things and it's highly frowned upon to drink that early in the morning. ;) In many ways I know regression equals progression especially when it comes to Autism. I swear to GOD that better be some hell of a progression she has soon!!

After a million hugs and kisses I was able to get them both out the door to school and again had to go to the store AGAIN! This time I had to go pick up a new shirt for my new job and headed to Goodwill to buy some pants. I somehow managed to throw a box of mini quiches in my cart at Target after buying a lunch bag for my new job.

While I finished watching Auntie Mame I tallied up the rest of my points for yesterday and today. Fuck. At that moment is when I realized I should have just gone to a meeting. Hearing success stories or great weigh in's usually help me keep my shit together.  I could have asked for advice.  I have an issue with food right now. It's my crutch. I needed the support of a group to help reign myself in and I didn't use it. I should have.

I should have gone to a meeting.